I am so torn. I cannot help but feel a physical pain as if I am being literally pulled apart.
Watching TV over the weekend, we saw an eHarmony ad. For those of you who do not know, that is where we met. It always makes me smile when I see the ads. Anyway, we saw the ad and it segued into a conversation between us that pretty much concluded that neither of us can imagine our lives without the other. It is difficult, in fact, to remember how I functioned at the level I did without Ken (at one point with 3 jobs and a single person homeowner). He truely is my partner in crime and anything else. I could not have a better teammate and can not fathom the last three + years without him. I am, you could say, blissfully happy -- even with the things that get on eachother's nerves. No marriage is perfect, and of that I am aware. But we are perfectly happy together.
So where am I torn? Here is where I am torn -- I am lost. I have no idea who I am at this point and feel very much like I am lost in a sea of nothingness. (Yes, I am working on that list Jennifer) Ken is getting clearer and clearer on who he is, what he believes in, what he wants and where he wants to go forward. I, on the other hand, am not so clear. Therefore, I find myself just kind of going with Ken -- following his dreams and his plans as it were.
Ken is not forcing this, nor am I blaming him. I am just realizing that the autonomy that I have had for so long, the indepenence that I treasured and the gutsyness that I always personified seems to have evaporated. It has gotten so bad that even when I drive, I ask Ken how best to get from point A to point B -- even though I have lived here longer than him and I know my way around perfectly well. I look to him for what to cook, what to wear, what to purchase... you name it, I look to him for guidance. I HATE THIS!
It is not who I am nor is it who I want to be. But I think I am in a bad cycle and trying to find my way out of it before I become a shell of the person I used to be, the person that Ken fell in love with.
Part of me thinks that this is because I was alone for so long, that I am relishing having someone else to lean on. Part of me thinks that this is because of everything I have been through in the past 2 years; more decision making is not on my high list of desireable tasks. I just do not know.
I just so clearly remember not being able to understand how someone could WANT to be a housewife. Not a stay at home mom, but a housewife. I am still not sure how anywone wants to do it, but it is what I am doing. I am good at it for the most part, and I am kinda enjoying it; but the independent, strong, accomplished Amy is disgusted with what I am becoming.
See, physically painful!
Picture Postcard
One of our first trips together -- and it could not have been more perfect!
The Sounds of LOVE
SHMOOPY
5 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. There are times when I wonder who is this person I have become, because I don't recognize myself any more. And I fear that I will never return to the person I used to be. I know almost everything stems from my work situation and while I am trying to figure that out, I have to wonder if there is anything else I could do to refind myself, so to speak.
I need a soul makeover in a sense I guess.
You I have no worries about finding your direction. You are one of the most confident and self-assured people I know. You will get over this little speed bump and rediscover what an amazing person you are, I just know it.
What's wrong with who you are becoming? Maybe I just don't understand. You don't have to give up one for the other. You can be the vulnerable woman, the strong leader, the bright spark all in one. Michael and I always discuss little things like what shirt looks best with what jeans and which route is the best to take from point a to b... I think that's part of being in a relationship with someone you trust. You look for their opinion and guidance and you dish out some of your own when it's required. I think people morph as they grow... that's what growing is, really. I don't see the things you're talking about here as _bad_ so much as _different_. But... I'm not you so I certainly can't tell you not to let it bother you. I will tell you to try not to feel so lost in it.
Good luck!
Sweetheart. It pains me that you are conflicted.
I guess I see this as two separate issues. The first issue is that you are used to being an independent person who made up their minds and was decisive. The beauty of being in a relationship is that you have someone to bounce things off of. You can get a second opinion. Sometimes someone may have noticed a slightly faster way or heard something about road construction. Nothing wrong with that.
The second issue is more of feeling like a productive member of society. You have been blessed with time to recover emotionally and physically from the events of the last two years. You now need to find what your passion in life is, and take steps to make that happen. I know we are talking through some things now, and we will continue to work through them.
Just know that I love so so much and am enjoying growing together as individuals and as a family.
See! That is why I love him so much!
Oh man! I can understand where you are coming from. I think that we all get to a point that we have to figure out "What I want to be when I grow up". It is a constant process for me. I also think that feeling that you know where you are going takes work. One step at a time and you will get that feeling back. Just keep taking that step each day and soon you will be amazed at where you are. I love you and think you are awesome. I hope that you will be able to see what we all see, you are someone I try to be like. =)
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