Monday, August 18, 2008

thank you

Two years ago you held together me as I fell apart. You were my port in the storm and you kept me going when I thought the world was coming to an end. You stood by my side and allowed me to move through things in my own way and in my own time, even if I was not moving, but stagnating. You did this all even before we were married, when most men would have c rumbled under the pressure or gone running for the hills. You were already becoming my family, but in that one moment, that horrific, sad moment, you stepped forward and picked up a ball that had fallen.

Today you are my family. You are my best friend and you are my partner in everything. I cannot imagine having had to go through this time, now or two years ago, without you or with anyone else. I am in awe and amazement at how much we have endured as a result of your patience, kindness and understanding.

You can hang the moon. You can hold my hand. You can do anything at all... and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Monday, June 09, 2008


I am so torn. I cannot help but feel a physical pain as if I am being literally pulled apart.

Watching TV over the weekend, we saw an eHarmony ad. For those of you who do not know, that is where we met. It always makes me smile when I see the ads. Anyway, we saw the ad and it segued into a conversation between us that pretty much concluded that neither of us can imagine our lives without the other. It is difficult, in fact, to remember how I functioned at the level I did without Ken (at one point with 3 jobs and a single person homeowner). He truely is my partner in crime and anything else. I could not have a better teammate and can not fathom the last three + years without him. I am, you could say, blissfully happy -- even with the things that get on eachother's nerves. No marriage is perfect, and of that I am aware. But we are perfectly happy together.

So where am I torn? Here is where I am torn -- I am lost. I have no idea who I am at this point and feel very much like I am lost in a sea of nothingness. (Yes, I am working on that list Jennifer) Ken is getting clearer and clearer on who he is, what he believes in, what he wants and where he wants to go forward. I, on the other hand, am not so clear. Therefore, I find myself just kind of going with Ken -- following his dreams and his plans as it were.

Ken is not forcing this, nor am I blaming him. I am just realizing that the autonomy that I have had for so long, the indepenence that I treasured and the gutsyness that I always personified seems to have evaporated. It has gotten so bad that even when I drive, I ask Ken how best to get from point A to point B -- even though I have lived here longer than him and I know my way around perfectly well. I look to him for what to cook, what to wear, what to purchase... you name it, I look to him for guidance. I HATE THIS!

It is not who I am nor is it who I want to be. But I think I am in a bad cycle and trying to find my way out of it before I become a shell of the person I used to be, the person that Ken fell in love with.

Part of me thinks that this is because I was alone for so long, that I am relishing having someone else to lean on. Part of me thinks that this is because of everything I have been through in the past 2 years; more decision making is not on my high list of desireable tasks. I just do not know.

I just so clearly remember not being able to understand how someone could WANT to be a housewife. Not a stay at home mom, but a housewife. I am still not sure how anywone wants to do it, but it is what I am doing. I am good at it for the most part, and I am kinda enjoying it; but the independent, strong, accomplished Amy is disgusted with what I am becoming.

See, physically painful!

Thursday, May 15, 2008


It is 7:41 AM -- I have been up for more than 2 hours and I am tired... But I sent Ken off to work with a great breakfast in his tummy and a wonderful, and nutritious day's worth of food in his lunch sack ( and maybe a love note or two). The point of this is not what a great wife I am or am not, nor is it me playing martyr. I do it because I want to. The point of this post is simple... I love my husband. I loved him yesterday, I love him today and I will love him tomorrow... That is all, and that is my point. I love Ken.

I am done with my mushy ramble. I love you Honey.